Customer Satisfaction
by masamunable
Summary: [Strawberry Panic]  It's a dark and stormy night on the Ichigo tricampus . . . and just what are the background characters up to?  Crackfic with unabashed Yaya Fangirlism.  I'm not ashamed!


Crackfic with repeatedly implied lemon and unadultered Yaya fangirlism, and it's not very good. Abandon all hope, ye who yadda yadda.

In the Ichigo Dormitories, a garden of maidens for maidens filled with maidenly maidenness doing maidenly things maidenally, it was the weekly assembly of twenty or thirty Maidenly Cast Extras and Other Assorted Background Characters. The night was dark. The moon was high. The atmosphere was candid. As one would expect of well trained maidenly catholic schoolgirls, their maidenly conversation turned to maidenly things.

"Okay, okay, of all the key players, who is the best lay?"

"Ooh, Chikaru, no question."

"Answers from those without weird cosplay fetishes and kinky BDSM habits will be considered more eligible than from those with."

"She didn't dress up."

"No, but I'll bet anything she made you."

"Gee, you sound almost like the voice of bitter experience, huh?"

". . ."

"Oh-hoh! She made you wear the Sis--OOMPH!"

A brief pause was made for a maidenly pillowfight.

"You know, I never did understand her fascination with that withered old crone."

"Some things are better left horrifying mysteries."

"Alright, so; Of all the key players who don't have very questionable sexual habits-OW, there was no need for that- which was your personal favourite?"

A contemplative silence ensued.

"It'd be Yaya by default, wouldn't it?"

"She IS the only sure thing. I mean, sure, Etoile's hot and she'll go all the way to the bedroom; but then there's always the possibility she'll--"

"Oh YEAH! With the CRYING. Sheez, you know? I walk around for weeks with my necktie improperly arranged, tripping over plant pots and playing piano badly in empty rooms and when she finally does take the fucking hint--"

"ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!" This unanimous statement was followed by a period of incontrollable laughter.

"Hee- yeah, she's hot, she'll paralyse you with her gaze but when push comes to shove she's fangless."

"Hmm. Hey, what about Tamao?"

"Disqualified for reasons of monogamous obsession. Goddam Aoi Nagisa; Tamao was amazing, insatiable- Why, she'd just take take her hair down and . . ."

A deep, wistful sigh from all concerned.

"I remember my first several times with her. I stayed behind after poetry club one day to help her clean up, and I sense this . . . this presence behind me-"

"It's weird how it doesn't show all the time, right? How does she hide a sexual appetite like that?"

"--and she was like, 'you don't think I joined the poetry club because I think I have TALENT, do you?'. My bruises had cramps. I couldn't even SEE for three days!"

"She was just . . ."

" . . . wild."

"Yeah."

". . ."

"How about-OOMPH"

"NO. There will be no Amane-Fangirl contribution in this segment! You keep your damn mouth shut."

"There's no need for-"

"That woman is impossible! I tried every goddam thing I could think of to try; even coming to her in the dead of a cold winters night complaining of scary ghostly-maiden-crying noises in NOTHING but the very finest vogue neglige and actually ASKED her to 'feel my goosebumps, aren't they hard?' and what does she do?!"

"Was that rhet-"

"She takes me in her arms and tells me it will be okay, puts me in her bed and then . . . !"

"And then?!"

"She STANDS VIGILENTLY GUARD OVER ME TILL MORNING."

"Is . . . Is that a euphemism?"

"NO."

"Ouch."

"That's just COLD."

"That is some prince complex right there."

"Why did you go after her in the first place, anyway? Sure, she's eye-candilicious (mmm, pass me some more candy, would you?) but really; all style, no substance."

"I always wondered at her fixation with her horse. Ow! Okay, I deserved that."

"I tried seducing Amane too, but Kaname spotted me."

"Hah! Well, you run the risks . . ."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Mind you, I wouldn't have minded the rape so much if it wasn't for the TALKING."

"Oh, don't get me started. I remember the first time Kaname raped me. She talked for forty minutes about the potential Global side effects of stock market collapse in Albania. I actually passed out. Not that that stopped her, mind you."

"Mimi says she actually quite enjoyed Kaname."

"Mimi is DEAF."

"Point taken."

"She would be a contender if she'd just shut UP, though."

"Possibly. Definitely if you count Momomi into the bargain. Those two are freaky in a good way, unhealthy bath-fixation notwithstanding."

"Ooh, speaking of underwater shenanigans, who else got chlorine right up their nostrils when Etoile finally took them to her mack-point?"

"How does she arrange for nightly fireworks displays, anyway?"

"No kidding! I started sneezing. And; underwater sneezing? A bad idea. First kiss I got from Etoile was the Kiss of Life. Total buzzkill. Apparantly, her dead girlfriend used to choke when she tried that on her, too. Took half an hour just to get her to snap out of it."

"Lame."

"Totally."

"I mean, that's what's great about Yaya, you know? Sure, she has angst. But she understands that angst and sex do not mix well outside of bad erotic fiction, and I admire that about her."

"I admire the contours of her fabulous ass."

"And she understands the true meaning of the saying 'The more, the merrier.'"

"And she's freaking hot."

"Plus, the STAMINA. I mean, she could easily take on twenty, even thirty in one sitting!"

There was a silence that followed this that became increasingly contemplative and exponentially hotter.

" . . ."

"All in favour of a field trip?"

Needless to say, they all lived happily and satisfied-ly and slightly stiffly for at least a few days.

End.

Till next weeks group meeting. XD

A/N:: Unbeta'd and knocked together in a short period of time, but it made me giggle writing it, and I'm told that means I don't have to care what you think. Nevertheless, comments are always loved and appreciated.


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